It never ceases to amaze us just how similar we all are. Regardless of where you were born, raised or reside, we generally enjoy the same past times and have many of the same tendencies. The two places where we find these similarities most comical are at the gym or on the beach. We identified our 10 favorite beach stereotypes to watch. Which one are YOU?!
We all know the Cool Guy. His hair is perfect and his trunks are bright and short. Tattoo’s are subtle(if any) and strategically placed to avoid detection at work. The Cool Guy is usually fit yet slender(but not too muscular as defined by Millenial Babe). Though Cool Guy’s never commit to any of the beach disciplines(namely tanning, swimming, drinking, relaxing) for an extended period of time, they are often spotted at night in a la carte resort restaurants wearing long sleeve shirts and loafers, with a Millenial Babe by their side.
The Millenial Babe is easy to spot by their teeny, tiny, random tattoo’s. They’re usually wearing oversized sunglasses, mismatched bikini’s with some sort of bohemian overlay and have a bag full of accessories. Millennial Babes will often try to disguise themselves by making The Cool Guy or The Cheerleader carry their bag, but don’t be fooled. Inside the bag you’ll find at least 3 varieties of sunscreen, bug spray, a bluetooth music device, a magazine or iPad, lip gloss, an iPhone and a water bottle(Fiji or Evian). To catch a Millenial Babe, set a trap baited with sun dresses and wedge sandals.
The Cheerleader is most often spotted at the crack of dawn reserving chairs for the Sun Worshipper or the Cool Guy. The Cheerleader enjoy’s a good time but will never make decisions regarding beach locations or plans. Cheerleaders are laid back and undertake more of a supportive role in group environments. The Cheerleader is well rounded, and often an excellent choice for sporting activities.
The Gorilla is usually the biggest guy on the beach and can be spotted by his boulder shoulders and buttery sheen. His shorts are often shorter than those of the Cool Guy and he seldomly has the same drink twice. Contrary to popular belief, The Gorilla does have shirts but simply chooses never to wear them. The Gorilla takes full advantage of the gym facilities daily and can be spotted at the breakfast buffet ordering the 6 egg white omelet. The Gorilla is not always coordinated but often competitive, so limit their participation in volleyball and pool games.
The Sun Worshipper is easy to spot but hard to recognize. Easy to spot because they always have a prime location on the beach(thanks to the Cheerleader) and a variety of exclusive tanning oils and exotic skin-bronzing paraphernalia not readily available to the average human. Hard to recognize because the Sun Worshipper’s complexion varies drastically from check-in to check-out, and sometimes even from breakfast to lunch. The greeting of choice for the Sun Worshipper is “you’re so dark”.
A buzz-cut or bald fade, tattoo’s of religious symbols and relatives, jean shorts, black tank top and a baseball cap are all tell tale signs that you’ve spotted one. The Yardie won’t be caught in flip flops or barefoot. Adidas or Jordan sandals are the footwear of choice when socks and white tennis shoes are deemed impractical. They’re likely to take their beer into the ocean if a dip is on the agenda. Yardies are tough to read, so approach with caution.
The Volleyball Guy is an international man of mystery. Nobody knows where he comes from, but anytime there’s a volleyball game he seems to appear. Impressively agile for their age, Volleyball Guys are believed to travel solo, and are usually protected from the elements by a layer of coarse body hair. Lookout for late 90’s board shorts and a mean serve, and you may have spotted one.
Identified by their skimpy swimwear, the risk of exposure is highest within this profile group. For this reason The Euro’s are least favored by mothers with their children and wives with their husbands. Euro females are more likely to have a large portion of their bare gluteus maximus on display than other profiles The Euro males are usually seen in red or white “banana hammocks”, a tight appendage resembling a Speedo and often pushed to the limits of structural integrity. While The Euro’s are generally pleasant, they often keep to themselves and can be spotted strolling along the waters edge.
The All In Wonder is an advanced hybrid of up to 4 other profiles. A true chameleon, the All In Wonder is perhaps best identified in strong wifi zones. Look for signs of Cuban cigars, dslr camera’s and large screen mobile phones, likely of the Android variety. All In Wonders could be up to 12% Cool Guy, 34% Yardie and 9% Gorilla, but are generally more clothed than all. May be spotted with both Millenial Babes and Sun Worshippers alike. All In Wonders refrain from group sporting activities, never lose their room keys and are generally never late for dinner.
The Urinator is often mistaken as the Cheerleader. Generally a laid back character, the Urinator seamlessly blends into most group environments. The best way to spot a Urinator is to locate their tracks from their beach chair to the ocean. Urinators are creatures of habit and the tracks will quickly become pronounced from repeated trips. Urinators may attempt to disguise their deed by maintaining mobility in the water, however they seldomly dip their heads underwater for obvious reasons.
Which Beach Goer are YOU?! Can you think of any that we missed?
Cover photo: http://sunsandseaandschool.blogspot.ca